Good evening. My name is Doris and I AM a dogaholic.
I would like to welcome all of you to this month's meeting of "Dogaholics Anonymous.
Some of you are here tonight because a friend or relative brought you here.
You may be sitting here thinking that you are OK and that you really don't need any help.
It is not easy to admit that you are a dogaholic and it is even harder
to bring yourself to a DAA meeting for help.
DAA is here to assist you.
I have some questions to ask.
If you can answer YES to more than three of the following, you have come to the right place.
Can you say "Bitch" in public without blushing?
Do you drive a station wagon, van or 4x4 when everyone else drives a real car?
Do you have more than one car? One for you and one for the dogs?
Do you spend your vacations and holidays going to shows, specialties and seminars
when everyone else goes on a cruise?
If you do go overseas, is it to London in March to attend Crufts?
Do you discuss things at the dinner table that would make most doctors leave in disgust?
Do you consider formal wear to be clean jeans and freshly washed tennis shoes?
Is your interior decorator R.C. Steele?
Was your furniture and carpeting chosen to match your dogs?
Are your end tables really dog crates with tablecloths thrown over them?
Do you know the meaning of CD, CDX, UD, CGC, HIC, WC, JH, MH, CH, and OTCH?
Is your mail made up primarily of dog catalogs, dog magazines and premium lists?
Do you get up before dawn to go to Training Classes? Dog Shows? Seminars?
If you do have dresses, do they all have pockets?
Do those pockets often contain freeze dried liver, Rollover or squeaky toys?
When you meet a new person do you always ask them what kind of dog they have
and pity them if they don't have one?
Do you remember the name of their dog sooner than you remember their name?
Do you find non dog people boring?
If you answered YES to one of the above, there is still hope.
If you answered YES to two, you are in serious trouble.
If you answered YES to three or more, you have come to the right place.
My advice to all of you with three or more YES's is to sit back and smile, turn to the smiling person next to you and know that your life will always be filled with good friends and good dogs and it will never be boring.
Taken for a speech given at C.D.T.C., Inc. banquet, May 1994
NOT TO BE USED WITHOUT WRITTEN PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
HOW MANY IS TOO MANY
At last year's meeting we discovered how we could tell if we were dogaholics.
It has come to my attention that some people left the meeting
under the impression that to
be a dogaholic
you had to have more than one dog.
This is NOT true!!
A true dogaholic can have as few as one
or as many as well....too many.
This brings up the question:
How can you tell if you have too many dogs?
YOU KNOW YOU HAVE TOO MANY DOGS........
When you have more grass in your driveway than in your backyard.
When you neighbors find ANY dog running loose and
automatically bring it to your house.
When you want to watch TV and you have to sit on the floor
because all of the furniture is "occupied".
When it takes you longer to wash your dogs' dishes than your own.
When you have to use a wash tub for a water dish.
When you have to run an obstacle course to get to the phone.
When you see one of your dogs doing something bad
(like chewing something up or leaving a "dog deposit" on the rug)
and you have to run through the entire list of dogs in order to yell at the right one
and by then it is too late.
When the hazmat team comes to your house on trash day to handle the "deposits"
that you have placed in your trash can.
When you have all of your dogs in the back seat of your car and it automatically
changes lanes when they move to the other side of the car.
When you NEVER go anywhere for a vacation because it costs more to kennel your dogs
than to go to Hawaii.
When you have an extension on your king-sized bed so you all fit.
Eukanuba makes home deliveries.
When you move your bedroom into the garage and put a king and queen sized bed together
so all of your Rottweilers, I mean dogs can sleep with you.
When you can't remember all of your dogs' names and just call them all brown dog.
When you take your dogs for a run in the park and people think it is a dog show.
If any of the above sounds familiar than you just might have too many dogs....
but then again you might just have a warm and loving family.
One that shares your good times as well as your bad ones.
I for one know that you can NEVER have too much family.
I would like to close by asking this question:
Do you know the difference between crap and sh**?
CRAP is what you pick up in the back yard everyday......
SH** is what you missed picking up and ended up stepping in.
Taken for a speech given at C.D.T.C., Inc. banquet, May 1995
Not to be used without written permission of the author
If you would like to see more of Doris' writing we invite you to
"Miracle of the Heart"
"Rainbow Bridge" and "The Straight Poop"
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