THE STRAIGHT POOP

A DOG GONE GOOD TABLOID



IN THIS ISSUE


KANSAS DECLARES WAR ON UPS A CAUTIONARY TAIL
EXPOSE; SEX CAMPS OF THE HIGH DESERT KUI TAKES THE FIFTH
NIGHTLY PRAYER TV LISTINGS: NLC MOVIE LISTINGS
A CHANCE OF A GHOST HTTP://WWW.LABLOVER.OUCH





KANSAS DECLARES WAR ON UPS

"Our pups just aren’t safe as long as those horrible trucks are loose on our roads" howled Godiva’s Kansas Cameo, CDX, CGC, at her Los Angeles news conference yesterday. She further vowed that it would be her life long goal to rid our neighborhoods from these squealing braked, horn honking behemoths that disrupt the well deserved day’s rest of the world’s top dogs. "I don’t have to be looking out the window to know just when one of the horrible things goes down the street. I can be taking a nice nap in on the waterbed and it will wake me up out of the soundest sleep" she growled. "They should be outlawed!!"

Kansas has solicited the help of several other concerned K-9 citizens in her fight. While Kansas has targeted the central San Fernando Valley as her zone, other areas are being covered by Godiva’s I Ain’t No Angel and Stanhills I O D Bucks. Odie was heard to grumble that she would not rest until these awful creatures were deeply buried and if she had to bury them all herself then that is exactly what she would do. Giana has vowed to retrieve every truck she can find and drop it in the nearest lake. "This is all out WAR!!" they all barked in unison. "We will stop at nothing to make sure that this menace is removed from our lives."

Kansas wanted to make it perfectly clear that the group does not have a big problem with the UPS drivers or with Fed-Ex, RPS or any of the other delivery services. "It is the UPS trucks that have us down and we are dog tired of it".
The canine coalition "Dogs Down on UPS" is currently looking to take its campaign nationwide with a goal of global eradication of these trucks by the year 2000.

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A CAUTIONARY TAIL
‘Twas the night before Christmas in the house where we dwell
The tree was still standing, no bad stories to tell
The pups had been wonderful, the pups had been great
The pups had been marvelous, ‘twas no need for a crate
The gifts had been stacked ‘neath the tree with great care
The pups had been perfect and had left them right there
So with Mom in her best dress and the car filled with gas
We left home for a short while to attend midnight mass

When we got home from church what was it we found?
The gifts were in tatters, the tree on the ground
There were ribbons on lamp tops and bows on the chairs
The big box of Milkbones was no longer there
The elf from the tree top was torn in 5 pieces
There were no more fat Santas and no more small meeces
The tinsel was hanging from the room’s chandelier
What had happened to Christmas was really quite clear
The pups had been busy, the pups had had fun
The pups had had Christmas and now they were done

And in the midst of the chaos, in the midst of the mess
Two pups were found sleeping in their Christmas made nest
The pups were so peaceful with sweet innocent faces
We could not be too mad despite all of the fracas.
So a lesson was learned, it was one for the books
Don’t trust your young pups and their innocent looks
For they’re only sweet babies with much yet to learn
And they will need you to guide them ‘round each of life’s turns.
So teach them and love them so of right they’ll be clear
And may your Christmas be Merry with a Happy New Year .

Christmas 1998

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*****EXPOSE*****

High Desert Deemed
A Hot Bed of
Sex Camp Activity

They seem to be everywhere, hidden down quite desert roads, on hilltops, in upstanding family neighborhoods. There are some areas that seem to have one on almost every street corner. What are they? "SEX CAMPS" and the High Desert is full of them. Seemingly normal homes that house dark secrets. Boys are kept and used as Studs, girls are trucked or flown in for one reason and one reason only -
SEX, SEX and more SEX.

Who is running these dens of iniquity? Well you might ask and you may be surprised. School Teachers, Nurses, School Bus Drivers and even Police Officers are standing at the end of the leashes encouraging this wanton behavior.

I might be argued that these Sex Camp participants don’t seem to be complaining and this reporter must admit that she could not find one dog or bitch that seemed upset about these camps. In fact, when one bitch was interviewed she started whining that she wanted to know when she would be going back and admitted than one time she jumped out the sunroof of the car and ran the rest on the way. Could it be that this wild and lascivious lifestyle has led to a sex addiction for these dogs and bitches?

This reporter went undercover to find out just what was going on at these Carnal Kennels. When I first contacted the Lab Camp owner, I was shown pictures (she had books full of them) and I was asked if there was anything that I liked. She then compared genealogies to see if I had the proper background and breeding. I must say that I found this offensive. Just because someone has a large number of champions in his family tree, does that make him better than a girl who makes her living on the streets? Then she wanted health checks. She wanted proof that my hips, my elbows and my eyes were good. I couldn’t believe it! What she asked for next really got my hackles up, she insisted that I have a VD test. If I wasn’t on the scent of a good story, I would have run out of there in a flash, but I had a job to do. After I got all of my clearances and the season was right, I checked into Camp for my "vacation". The first thing that she did was put me in a room all to myself. All of the other dogs around me had roommates, I couldn’t figure out why I was being discriminated against. Dinner was served and while it wasn’t the kind I always had, it wasn’t bad and there sure was enough of it. The Camp owner checked on me to make sure that I was OK and left me alone to cool my hocks for a couple of days. Then she invited me to the room up by the house. I thought that I was finally going to get to see for my self just what was going on , but OH NO, I was about to become a participant. Once I was in the room, she brought HIM in. I must admit that he looked pretty darn good but he only had one thing on HIS mind. I wanted to get to know him a little, you know talk, have him bring me flowers, kiss a little, but not him. He said he had a job to do and it was high time we got on with it, if I wanted hearts and flowers I better go to the Golden Camp up the road. Before I knew it, it was wham, bam, thank you ma’am and it was over and I went back to my room. This surprised me. I really had no intention of "going all the way" but I seemed caught up in the heat of the moment. I was fit to be tied. Two days later it happened all over again. Funny, I wanted to protest the whole thing, I mean let’s face it, paying money for sex and all, it is indecent. Instead I found myself running to the room up at the house this time and looking for my knight in shining chocolate armor. When it was over I wanted more, more, more. I was insatiable. What did they put in that food? Had I been brain washed? What was going on? Two days afterward I went home.

Now here it is 8 weeks later and my girlish figure is gone, and I am as big as a doghouse. Where is my night in shining armor now? I was just a two day stand and he has moved on to his next conquest. And me, I am facing life as an unwed, working mother, raising a litter on my own without any help from HIM. And the Sex Camp owner, she is happy as a Lab with two tails that I am having puppies and will even help find buyers for them. I can’t believe it, she wants me to SELL my puppies.

This reporter went to Sex Camp in order to expose it for the stud brothel that it is and has uncovered something even deeper and darker, puppy selling! I will cover this sordid development in a future article. As it is now, I have an awful urge to go tear up some newspapers and crawl under the front porch.

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KUI TAKES THE FIFTH
I don't want to complain, but God made me wrong
I only have two instead of eight arms.
Two arms are just great for one dog or two
But for more than two dogs, two arms are too few.
Six arms with six dogs would be terrifically grand
Each dog would get pets from its own private hand
The first hand is Saucy’s, Kansas gets the second
Wanna takes third, that’s what I reckon
Vida would take fourth, then Kui takes the fifth
Last is Giana who gets hand number six
Six Hands and six dogs what’s more sublime
Six dogs with eight hands with two of them mine
Two hands to hold books or do as a please
Two hands to do painting or stifle a sneeze
Six dogs with eight hands there’d be a cry and a hue
Six dogs with eight hands, each dog would want two!

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A NIGHTLY PRAYER


Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the dogs will let me keep
A tiny portion of the bed
A place to lay my weary head
And if things go right and I'm in luck
I'll only sleep with 5 dogs, 2 bears and 1 duck.

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THE NATIONAL LABRADOR CHANNEL (NLC) MOVIES

Here is a list of Movies and Specials that NLC will be airing this year.

7/23.....Lying Eyes (Courtroom Drama)
The story of a pack of labs and their woeful, yet
untruthful tales of neglect

7/26.....Visitors of the Night (Adult Comedy)
A bitch in season has suitors jump the fence
after the rest of the household goes to bed

8/6......Mother May I Sleep with Danger(Family Drama)
A little girl’s quest to get her mother to let
her sleep with her lab, Dangerous Obsession

8/13.....Beauty’s Revenge (Suspense)
The story of a lab’s revenge after she is sold to a puppy mill

8/16.....U S Gymnastics Championships(Sports)
Events include: Running to answer the front door
accompanied by 6 labs; Getting into bed with 4 labs;
crossing the house in the dark with 6 black labs
sleeping all over the floor. Points are given for
grace, style and originality. Points will be deducted
for excessive swearing.

8/17.....A Face to Die For (Comedy/Drama)
The story of a 6 week old lab puppy

8/23.....A Time to Heal (Medical Drama)
The story of a woman’s recovery after she was
enthusiastically welcomed home by her 6 labs. This
film will be followed in the near future by "A time
to Heel".

8/24.....The Beast (Science Fiction)
The story of a nine month old male black lab puppy

9/7......The Shadow (Science Fiction)
The continuing story of "The Beast" concentrating
on his nightly activities

9/8......Perfect Body (Science Fiction)
The quest to find just the right weight balance so you can please both the Field and Conformation breeders

9/13 .....Lightning Jack (Comedy)
The story of Jack, a yellow male, who can make any food or object disappear in a flash

9/15.....Lethal Weapon 2 (Historical Drama/Comedy)
The story of how the Labrador got its tail.

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THE CHANCE OF A GHOST

There’s no doubt about it - I have a ghost. Now don’t be alarmed, this is not your chain rattling, harem scarem, Jacob Marley type of ghost. It is more like a mischievous poltergeist, a spirit that likes to play pranks and little games, a playful rogue that likes to keep things hopping around the house.

I know that you might be skeptical of this confession so I will detail the incidents that have pushed me to this conclusion.

There are the little things; a pillow from my bed found on the floor or a hairbrush disappearing from the bathroom and showing up in the kitchen. Tiny happenings that could easily be attributed to a forgetful human moment. But it doesn’t stop there. A cookie set on a low table can vanish into thin air whenever I leave the room, doors that are pulled almost to closing at bedtime will be wide open the following morning, and now my socks have started walking! Of course I have never seen them actually get up and walk across the floor but I can not come up with any other explanation. How else would a sock that was left in the bedroom get into the living room or even the computer room? I take my socks off when I get home from work and place them on the hamper. It is only a matter of time before I find one or both of them laying on the living room rug or at times on the sofa next to me and right under Vida. Other things move around in the middle of the night. I will wake up in the morning and find my bed filled with various objects; stuffed ducks and bears, nail clippers, eye drops, Nolvasan Ear Cleaner, shoes, and of course, socks. The list is almost endless. Everyday it is something new and different.

Sometimes my little ghost decides to be more of a demon. I came home from work and found that a magazine rack I had had for 10 years was in toothpick sized pieces all over the floor. Then there was last week when I found my clean laundry strewn over the entire living room and the remote control looking like it had tangled with a steam roller.

I have also experienced some of the other common phenomena that are associated with spirits from the great beyond. I will be quietly sitting talking to one of the dogs and I will sometimes hear the bump, bump, thumps that are mentioned in almost every ghost story. Then there is the sudden drop in temperature and a breeze or wind that only effects the area where the dogs and I happen to be at the time.

To be honest some people have disputed my claim of a ghost. They tell me that the fact that I live with 5 Labrador Retrievers is enough of an explanation to account for these mysterious happenings. I find the suggestion that MY dogs could be anyway connected with these events highly slanderous. MY dogs ARE PERFECT and would NEVER, EVER, take something that does not belong to them, chew up magazine racks, throw my clothes around and all the rest. What about the thumps and cool breezes? I think that it is pushing it to think that these phenomena could be caused by a wagging Labrador tail. So, the facts remain - I know that I am not moving these items around and I KNOW that my dogs would NEVER put anything in their mouths that did not belong to them, therefore, there is only one available conclusion and that is that I do, indeed, have a ghost.

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HTTP://WWW.LABLOVER.OUCH

Everyone says that having a dog is good for your physical, mental and emotional health.
They say that dogs calm you and lower your blood pressure, which in turn helps you to live longer.
Obviously these people have never lived with a Labrador.
I might, if push comes to shove, admit that they just MIGHT be beneficial to one's emotional health,
but I don't know if I can go as far as the mental and physical claims.

Are labs good for your mental health? I have my doubts.
What good can come from coming home and finding your wedding pictures chewed into tiny pieces?
Or what about discovering that your laundry hamper is empty and ALL of your dirty underwear
is now decorating the bushes in the back yard and your next door neighbors are having an elegant yard party?
Have you ever gotten dressed up to go out for the evening only to have Rosco
run in from the backyard and plant his wonderfully muddy feet in the middle of your back?
You can't tell me that any of these occurrences does anything worthwhile for your mental health.
They also don't do much for your physical health either.
I don't see anybody's blood pressure dropping after experiencing these little surprises.
Not to mention that wear and tear on your heart when you are awakened from a deep sleep by a loud "WOOF"
issuing from a gaping mouth an inch from your face.
And there are massages and doctors visits.
I once received spousal abuse counseling during a massage because my back and legs had so many bruises.
Same thing with a visit to a new doctor. He wanted to run a lot of test to determine why I was so bruised.
Fortunately he was a lab owner himself and completely understood
when I told him that I lived with 5 of the creatures.
There are times that I am not sure if I should put down the color of my skin as being white or black and blue.
Labs have extraordinarily hard heads and a good blow from one can lead to a concussion
and a beauty of a black eye.
The list is practically endless.
Talk to any lab owner and he will delight in detailing a multitude of injuries.

Since I admitted to some emotional benefits coming from lab ownership,
I will now address that area.
There is something definitely soothing about scratching a lab's ears or rubbing its belly.
When it has been one of those days that make you want to quit the world,
there is nothing better than to open your front door to the unquenchable love that is waiting for you.
The laughing eyes and rapidly beating tail are great ways to make you forget about the
hobgoblins that littered your day.
You never need to worry about crying by yourself when you have a lab
as they are always there to wash away your tears and are ready for a hug should the need arise.

When you have a lab you must weigh the importance of bruises and public underwear vs
a gentle kiss to wash away tears or the love evident in a wagging tail.
You must decide if the loss of your mental and physical health
is compensated by the velvety ears always at the ready.
If you are like most of us, you will put make-up on your bruises and hang your hamper from the ceiling.
You will make sure that you have excellent health insurance
and know the quickest route to the emergency hospital.
You will wear your battle scars proudly
and always be sure to have at least one lab around at all times.

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If you would like to see more of Doris' writing we invite you to click on
"Miracle of the Heart"

All material on this page is from WET WINGS AND OTHER THINGS
by Doris Engbertson
1997-1999 Doris Engbertson


lablover@relaypoint.net

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